Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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