WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
