just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
