note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Randomize
