a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
