Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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