i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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