Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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