My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
