Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
