A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
