You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
