Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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