I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
