there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
