I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
