apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
