I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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