i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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