last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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