If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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