Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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