he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
