Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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