Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
