every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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