I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
