you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
