There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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