I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
