I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
