Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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