(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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