About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
