Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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