So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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