drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
