Nicole vs. Life
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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