I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
