Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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