At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
