I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I stole a fireplace last night.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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