I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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