how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
