i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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