This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
