I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
