I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
