hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Dicks are not precious.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
