My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she pinky promised me she was 18
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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