I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
