I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
