You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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