last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
