My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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