She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
