Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
