stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
