where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
